Poetry.......the doorway to the soul. -Floria

A ball of light

For christmas this was all I wanted
And just 5 days after Santa delivered her
She was made personally in his factory
I walked in the room
To greet her for the first time
There she layed
shining bright like a diamond
Proud I was to finally happiness in person
And puraity in person
And proud I was to call this new life my sister

+ I like the shine bright like a diamond
+ I like how you said your sister was santas gift to you
+ The metaphors you used were good and you stayed one the same subject

? What did you do when you met her
? How was the rest of Christmas, did anything else matter
? You should continue one about what happened

Ode Poem

My grand mom bought it for christmas
A treasure in my eyes
But not for the diamond in the center
For what the silver object represents
To go along with the diamond
The man that died for our sins
And the beauty of the diamond
No matter what I wear
It will surely stand out
Even when working out I'll tuck the cross in my shirt
But it always finds a way to make itself known

Revision By: Adam Feliciano
+ Imagery
+ Flow
+ Unique
? Should you add more
? Your second last line, don't expose the cross just say "it", it defeats the figurative language describing the cross
? Make stanzas, not all one

I was raised by:
I was raised by sweeting singing
Hip Hop bringing
ear ringing
Joy bringing
Lyrically clinging
peculating type music

Heart pounding
So astounding
So unfrowning
Should be crowning
All music for what it's done to the world
Making women out of small girls
Simply by lyrics sparking an interest in ones lives
Which can also lead men to want no wives
Only snapbacks and tattoos
And about being that dude
They never think well that's rude
They all drunk off of fantasy's
Yall don't need no more boos

Music can be looked at
In a negative or positive way
But a world with no music
Is like an ocean with no waves